Resolving Conflicts

Author William Faulkner captures the essence of one of life's most complicated challenges: conflict.

Man is an aggressive being. To put in context, civilization as we know it is only about 6,000 years old, but, according to Wikipedia, there has been about 10,624 battles waged during that time. Geneva Academy reports there are more than 100 armed conflicts raging all around the world right now.

Conflict is something all of us encounter in our lives, whether it's at home, at work or anywhere people congregate. It's a natural part of being human because we all have different beliefs, values, desires, and needs. These differences lead to disagreements and clashes, creating conflict.

It reveals itself in countless ways, such as emotional clashes, power struggles, ideological differences, or even internal struggles within an individual's own heart and mind.

But first, back to the future, and a whiteboard and marker story. Once upon a time a teacher drew a small dot on the whiteboard. She asked the class “What do you see?” Every student answered “A black dot”. The teacher replied, “Ah yes…, “but I also see all the vast white space”. End of lesson.

The truth is we tend to see only the black dots in our relationships, often forgetting that it’s only a small blip in the white space. The black dot is left to fester and sooner than later, it’s all that we keep seeing.

But first things first. Let’s zoom in to where conflicts usually happen most - our families.

“As a family, we knew best how to hurt each other.” Catherine Dang quotes in her book “Nice Girls”.

Parent-children conflicts are common, particularly during the tumultuous teenage years. These conflicts often arise from differences in perspectives, expectations, and communication styles.

Let's consider an example: Sarah, a 16-year-old high school student, wants to attend a social event with her friends, but her mother, Linda, is concerned about her safety and wants her to stay home.

When I was Sarah’s age, I went through the same motions. My father was left scratching his head and wondering what the blazes was going on when I insisted on wearing old jeans, t-shirt and slippers to church on Sundays.

There were many other instances, but my father was wise enough to let me get through that crazy phase without too much interference. I like to think I turned out ok.

Likewise, both Sarah and Linda could engage in active communication. Sarah can express her desire to attend the event, explaining the precautions she will take to ensure her safety. Linda, on the other hand, can share her concerns while acknowledging Sarah's growing independence.

They can work together to establish trust, compromise on guidelines, and find a middle ground that satisfies both parties. Maybe.

Or it may not work at first. There are no guarantees but it's better than pretending that nothing is wrong or worse, insisting that one or the other is completely right.

Kahlil Gibran in his poem "On Children" boldly states that children are not possessions or extensions of their parents but rather individuals with their own paths in life. The poem encourages parents to guide their children but not impose their own desires or expectations on them.

Gibran is right of course, but it’s easier said than done. That 16 year old me is a parent now. It’s my turn to struggle with this truth. But over the years, looking back at my own experiences and learning from others has helped me let go of unrealistic expectations to a certain extent and the need to be right all the time with my own child. And I'm still learning.

Now for the nitty-gritty gritty on how to resolve conflicts, follow this 3 Step plan and observe how things turn out:

Final thoughts:

To resolve conflicts, whether in the family, workplace or society, we need to understand the importance of effective communication, empathy, and compromise.

We need to acknowledge the mutual benefits that conflict resolution can bring without compromising values.

By doing this, we continue to grow and strengthen existing relationships. It also makes it easier to tackle future challenges with integrity and wisdom.

We become better persons. And maybe, the number of conflicts in the world will reduce in time.

Till next time,

Jude